forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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