It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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