Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
