Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
