I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
