If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
