I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
