Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
