Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Randomize
