I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
