So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
