dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
