just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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