Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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