I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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