You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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