My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
