I met the friendliest cop last night
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
