the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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