Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
