make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
