Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
