He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
