I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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