I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
