My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
