I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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