She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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