Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The feeling are messing with the penis
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
