So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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