Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
