I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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