I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
