community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
