Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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