i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
