The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
