I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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