There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
