I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
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im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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