You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize