There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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