An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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