did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
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Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
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I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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