My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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