Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
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I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
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Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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