I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
