Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
