my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
