someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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