I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
