MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
