Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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