I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
